Wednesday, March 31, 2010

A Georgia Congressman...

A Georgia Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when he turned to her and said, ‘Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, ‘What would you like to talk about?’

‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the southern congressman. ‘How about global warming or universal health care’, and he smiles smugly.

OK, ‘ she said. ‘Those could be interesting topics.. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’

The southern legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.’

To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don’t know shit?

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Before our pastor gets...

Before our pastor gets to the subject matter of his sermon, he usually captures the attention of our congregation by telling a joke or funny story. I had heard this one before but found it as funny as the first time I heard it:

One evening a preacher held a country-type baptism. This is where those desiring baptism are submerged into a shallow pond. Quite often, many people gather around either to be baptized or to watch with curiosity at the baptism. On this occasion a drunk man wandered up to the scene, and stood next to the preacher.

The preacher unknowingly dunked the drunk into the water, then quickly brought him up. He said to the drunk, "Did you find the Holy Spirit?"

The drunk shook his head and said, "No."

The preacher then dunked him and again repeated, "Did you find the Holy Spirit?"

Again the drunk shook his head. The preacher then dunked him a third time, only held his head underwater for about 30 seconds.

The preacher then brought the struggling drunk up and, as before, he repeated the question, "Did you find Him yet?"

The drunk finally caught his breath, shook his head and answered, "Are you sure you lost him in this spot?"