Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as far away from humanity as possible.
Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it’s total peace and quiet.
After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he’s finishing dinner one day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. “Name’s Enoch… Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge… Having a party Saturday… Thought you’d like to come.”
“Great,” says Sam, “after 6 months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”
As Enoch is leaving he stops, “Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinking.” “Not a problem… After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of ‘em.”
Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.” Damn, Sam thinks… Tough crowd. “Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”
Once again Enoch turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.” “Now that’s not a problem,” says Sam, “Remember I’ve been alone for 6 months! I’ll definitely be there… By the way, what should I wear?”
Enoch stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.”
Friday, August 15, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
At 3 am a desk clerk...
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.
About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even more intoxicated. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before - noon," replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No! I don't wanna get in, I wanna get out!"
About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even more intoxicated. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before - noon," replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No! I don't wanna get in, I wanna get out!"
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Husband and wife are...
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says: "I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The husband says, "WHAT??" The wife explains that he should be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.
Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "But you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then take it."
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.
She says "Okay, I’m ready, let’s go to the cash register."
The husband says, "No - no - no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff."
The wife’s face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while" quips the husband.
The husband says, "WHAT??" The wife explains that he should be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.
Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "But you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then take it."
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.
She says "Okay, I’m ready, let’s go to the cash register."
The husband says, "No - no - no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff."
The wife’s face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while" quips the husband.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Betty and Tim were...
Betty and Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter met them. They asked if they could still be married in Heaven.
"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."
Six months passed and finally Peter returned.
"Yes, we can do this for you."
"Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don’t work out there’s a possibility that we could be divorced?’ To which St. Peter answered "It took me six months to find a priest in heaven...how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer up there?"
"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."
Six months passed and finally Peter returned.
"Yes, we can do this for you."
"Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don’t work out there’s a possibility that we could be divorced?’ To which St. Peter answered "It took me six months to find a priest in heaven...how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer up there?"
Monday, August 11, 2008
Four ladies were...
Four ladies were having coffee one afternoon. The first women tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him father."
The second woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'your grace.'"
The third lady says, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence.'"
The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women prod her with a subtle, "Well?"
So she replies, "My son is 6'2. He has broad, square shoulders. Terribly handsome. Tight muscular body. Hard buns and a very nice bulge. He is also a male dancer at a female strip club and whenever he walks into a room, women gasp, 'OH MY LORD!'
The second woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'your grace.'"
The third lady says, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence.'"
The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women prod her with a subtle, "Well?"
So she replies, "My son is 6'2. He has broad, square shoulders. Terribly handsome. Tight muscular body. Hard buns and a very nice bulge. He is also a male dancer at a female strip club and whenever he walks into a room, women gasp, 'OH MY LORD!'
Sunday, August 10, 2008
A guy receives an ad...
A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.
He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
Golf: $1.00
Dinner: $1.00
Room: $1.00
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00
Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"
I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."
"Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"
"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"
He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
Golf: $1.00
Dinner: $1.00
Room: $1.00
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00
Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"
I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."
"Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"
"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Two gas company...
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
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