One night, a father...

One night, a father passed by his son’s room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Bye Grandpa."

The father didn’t quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Bye Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son’s door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Bye Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor’s early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you’re here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

It's Saturday morning...

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."

After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!" "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead." "Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?" "He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause. "Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"

14 Things Teachers...

14 Things Teachers Would Love To Write On A Student’s Report Card

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. This student has delusions of adequacy.

4. This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. This student sets low standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a “full six-pack” but lacks the plastic sling to hold itall together.

7. Student has been working with glue too much.

8. When the student’s IQ reaches 50, he/she should sell.

9. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the >> > train isn’t coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

11. It’s hard to believe the sperm that created this student beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.

13. Your child is not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

14. If your child had two brain cells, they’d kill each other.

A lawyer married a woman...

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"