A police officer attempts...

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes that he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

Favorite sport

A blind man was describing his favorite sport - skydiving. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him. "I am placed in the door and told when to jump," he said. "My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered, "Oh, my dog's leash goes slack."

Principal

"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.
"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No."
"I'm the principal's daughter."

"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!"

Baseball in heaven

There are these two guys named John and Cliff. They were best friends and were so obsessed with baseball that they would go to 60 games a year and analyze every scoreboard.

They even promised each other that when one of them goes to heaven, the deceased one would come back and tell the other whether there was baseball in heaven or not. One night Cliff dies in his sleep after watching a Chicago White Sox game -- Chicago won, so at least he died a happy man. The next day Cliff returns to earth to see his friend.

"Hi, John."
"Cliff, is it really you?"
"Hey, I told you I’d be back to tell you what’s up. And, you know John, there’s good news and bad news."

"Okay. What’s the good news?"
"There is baseball in heaven."
"The bad news?"
"You’re pitching tomorrow night."

A new monk at a monastery...

A new monk at a monastery took a vow of silence. He was allowed to speak only once a year, and then he could only say TWO words.

At the end of the 1st year he went to the head monk, and said, "Bed Hard".

At the end of the 2nd year he went to the head monk, and said, "Room Cold".

At the end of the 3rd year he went to the head monk, and said, "I Quit".

The head monk replied, "It doesn't surprise me, all you've done since you got here was Bitch, Bitch Bitch!

A Georgia Congressman...

A Georgia Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when he turned to her and said, ‘Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, ‘What would you like to talk about?’

‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the southern congressman. ‘How about global warming or universal health care’, and he smiles smugly.

OK, ‘ she said. ‘Those could be interesting topics.. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’

The southern legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.’

To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don’t know shit?

Before our pastor gets...

Before our pastor gets to the subject matter of his sermon, he usually captures the attention of our congregation by telling a joke or funny story. I had heard this one before but found it as funny as the first time I heard it:

One evening a preacher held a country-type baptism. This is where those desiring baptism are submerged into a shallow pond. Quite often, many people gather around either to be baptized or to watch with curiosity at the baptism. On this occasion a drunk man wandered up to the scene, and stood next to the preacher.

The preacher unknowingly dunked the drunk into the water, then quickly brought him up. He said to the drunk, "Did you find the Holy Spirit?"

The drunk shook his head and said, "No."

The preacher then dunked him and again repeated, "Did you find the Holy Spirit?"

Again the drunk shook his head. The preacher then dunked him a third time, only held his head underwater for about 30 seconds.

The preacher then brought the struggling drunk up and, as before, he repeated the question, "Did you find Him yet?"

The drunk finally caught his breath, shook his head and answered, "Are you sure you lost him in this spot?"